100 Dates in Houston

Detachment, Distance, and Decisions

Did y’all enjoy our first guest post for 100 Dates and Beyond? Coach Joyice dropped gem after gem on how to navigate a hot-and-cold dynamic in dating.

And we’re not done! She’ll be back to share more dating insights. But first, let’s catch up on Mr. Thirty-Seven.

Remember, after two months of dating, I’d noticed a dynamic of hot and cold between us. On top of that, we’d reached Valentine’s Day, and I was without a date — or even a bouquet of flowers for that matter. Mr. Thirty-Seven had been out of town for a wedding, and after I expressed my displeasure, he offered to compensate for his failure to make plans with me.

A few days after his apology, Mr. Thirty-Seven texted me our date plans – dinner at one of the trendiest Black-owned steakhouses in Houston, Bungalow Downtown Dining. I’d been to Bungalow once before. If a man must do an apology dinner, I must say, that’s how it should be done!

The Rundown

It was a rare frigid night in Houston with nearly freezing temperatures. My fit for the evening was all black, complete with thigh-high boots, a leather accordion-pleated mini skirt, and black tights speckled with tiny red hearts to add a bit of festive flair.

Before the date, I’d spent hours searching for those tights online, along with a little gift for Mr. Thirty-Seven. When he had fallen into the water and nearly lost his shoes while paddle-boarding on our 6th date, a few of his Croc charms were eaten by the lake. I figured it would be a thoughtful gesture to replace a few for his Valentine's Day gift. I was excited to share the time with him.

Equipped with my takeaways from my session with Coach Joyice, along with my little gift and special tights, I was ready.

I’ve been searching for the best word to describe dinner at Bungalow. The best I’ve got is “nice”. I know – not a strong word for a writer 🤷🏾‍♀️ The food was tasty, albeit a bit salty. The ambiance was sexy. I easily moved through the questions that Coach Joyice and I had strategized. And Mr. Thirty-Seven answered them. But I couldn’t help but notice his lack of reciprocal curiosity about me. He asked no in-depth questions, and I became a bit worn carrying the conversation.

Following dinner, my date proposed a part 2 for the night. We drove from downtown to midtown for wine at 13 Celsius. As we sampled the selections suggested by the bar’s sommelier, we sat closely under the dim lighting, chatting and laughing. There was that connection again — warm and satisfying, albeit light and superficial.

Square One

In the days following our Valentine’s Day make-up date, Mr. Thirty-Seven’s pattern of hot and cold connection returned. Apparently, we were back to square one. He initiated no phone calls, but was responsive to mine. I found myself leading more of our interactions than I care to admit.

The final straw came on a Wednesday night, five days after our dinner at Bungalow. I called Mr. Thirty-Seven, wanting to chat, and didn’t receive an answer. A few hours later, he replied with an “👀” emoji and shared that he had been at a basketball game.

When I asked if he was still at the game, Mr. Thirty-Seven replied, “No. I’m home.”

Friends, am I crazy for assuming that this would have been his cue to return my call? Either I’m crazy, OR Mr. Thirty-Seven didn’t care to connect. Last I checked, I was perfectly sane.

The Art of Detachment

Realizing that Mr. Thirty-Seven couldn’t reciprocate my desire for connection, I decided to practice a new skill I’d been working on: the art of detachment. I’d just finished a book all about the topic, The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins. In the book, she explains how we cause ourselves to suffer when we try to force outcomes rather than allowing people to behave as they see fit. By detaching from outcomes and radically accepting things as they are, we save ourselves from frustration and suffering.

In an effort to radically accept Mr. Thirty-Seven and the mismatch in our desire for connection, I replied with three simple words, “Ok. Well, goodnight.” My detachment didn’t mean I was void of emotion — my disappointment was real. However, I accepted the situation at hand without trying to change it.

After two months of dating, this wasn’t the type of connection I desired. It was hot, cold, and unsatisfying.

The Gift of Space

The next day, Mr. Thirty-Seven called, but I no longer desired to speak. I needed to take a step back and make a solid decision.

Eventually, I sent him a message:

And he replied, “Understood. Happy Saturday.” With no curiosity or push-back, he seemed content with the space.

Here’s where things became dicey for me. On paper, Mr. Thirty-Seven was a great fit. He met my major deal-breakers, and we shared similar values. I was attracted to him, and we had so much fun together. We seemed to want the same things. Yet, when it came to the pursuit, Mr. Thirty-Seven fell short.

Was it time to move on?

Dating with Support

Not wanting to make a hasty decision out of frustration, I booked another session with Coach Joyice to sort through my thoughts. As I waited for our session, I wrestled with a new type of discomfort. Unlike the certainty and control it would bring to simply cut him off, it felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable to take space from a man I had been dating without making a clear decision concerning him. The anxious parts of me want clarity, immediacy, and action.

But anxiety wouldn’t be the boss of me! Sitting in the gray had been a theme with Mr. Thirty-Seven, and something told me I needed to keep flexing that muscle.

To be clear, I would not advise every woman in a similar situation to take this approach. If quickly releasing a man back into the dating pool is best, by all means, throw him back! But I needed to practice something different. I was learning patience, resolve, and emotional composure. Space isn’t always problematic. Sometimes it’s a gift!

But I would be lying if I didn’t paint a complete picture. Anxiety gnawed at me in the interim.

As I look back on how I worked through the emotions of sitting in limbo, I’m so appreciative for the support of one of my Houston besties who stepped in and encouraged me.

“Kaity, you’re a strong and intelligent woman. You can do something different. I believe in you.”

Everything in me wanted to cut and run, but my bestie’s words reminded me of my own strength. How on earth do women survive dating with a solid support system?

Maintaining the Rotation

My past few posts have been all about Mr. Thirty-Seven, so it may seem like I was completely preoccupied with him. But hopefully, y’all know me better than that! I made sure to stay in the dating game, not in spite of my feelings for Mr. Thirty-Seven, but maybe even because of them. Continuing to date would prevent me from over-investing or becoming prematurely attached. And so began my marathon dating season.

Here’s a quick rundown of my rotation while dating Mr. Thirty-Seven. If this blog were a movie, this phase of my journey would be the montage. I went on date after date, with character after character, and grew weary in the process.

Date #38- My second and final date with MAGAman. We already know how that story ends.

Date #39- My second date with Mr. Thirty-Seven at Travelers Table

Date #40- My first and only date with a match on Hinge, who will be referred to as “Dallas”. Dallas was from Dallas. His profile prompts on the app communicated kindness and empathy, and drew me to him. Our first date went well; however, after 3 weeks of communicating, Dallas began to have concerns about work that preoccupied him and prevented him from showing up consistently. My interest began to wane, and eventually, the connection fizzled.

Date #41- My first date with Loc’d N Loaded, a man I met at a game night hosted by a couple here in Houston. Loc’d N Loaded had attended high school with my home girl, who invited me to the game night. As they caught up on life that night, I listened. Loc’d N Loaded opened up to us about his dating challenges and the delay of certain life goals until he found that special someone. I found him endearing as he talked about his hopes and dreams for his future wifey. In a sea of red pill poppers who swear that marriage has no benefits for men, here was a man who genuinely desired marriage and a partnership. He also shared that neither he nor his wife would have to work due to investments he had been making for years. 👀 I got the sense that he wasn’t attempting to flex or impress, but rather was simply sharing his truth. At the end of the night, my girlfriend called me to play Cupid. Loc’d N Loaded was interested, and I was curious.

Our first date was a two-for-one. Dinner at Credence, followed by drinks at Sidebar, the reservation-only speakeasy adjacent to the restaurant. Loc’d N Loaded was intelligent, respectful, and easy to talk to. I’ll share more of our story in an upcoming post!

Counting the Costs

So you see, I wasn’t putting all my eggs in one basket, nor was I desperate to make the connection work. But I was open-hearted and hoping for something real. It’s an inherently vulnerable position to be in. Sometimes, when the alignment is just right, no matter how many other options there are, we can’t help but catch feelings. This is the cost of doing business in dating and relationships.

So, how do you think things will play out with Mr. Thirty-Seven? Coach Joyice will return to the blog to break down her insights from our second session. Be on the lookout and have your notebooks ready! She drops gems once again!